Gohan burgler
by Ace Lister
Summary: Gohan takes the role of Bilbo in a remake of The Hobbit. R because of language and drug reference. And it has a dragon in a few chapter's.


A Half-Sayian lived under a hill in a hole. Not a nasty, dirty, wormy hole, not a sandy, ugly cramped hole, not even a comfy Hobbit hole, it was a Sayian hole, and that mean's technology.  
  
It had a perfectly round front door, like a porthole, painted pink with a shiny brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened onto a small house. The best rooms were on the left side, as they all had their own Entertainment centers.  
  
The half-Saiyan was a very well to do person. He won the Lotto a few months before. His name was Gohan. Gohan had lived out in the open (middle of a field in a forest in a big house) until his big win, when he decided to move into the hill. People considered him respectable, not because he was rich, but because, even at 12 year's old, he had enough power in him to blow up the Shire's and most of Quarter-Earth. And because an idiot with that much power is a dangerous thing. No one knew of his life before the Shire's, as I've said, he was an idiot so neither did he, but since coming to the Shire's, people found him predictable, so you'd know what he would say to a question without asking him. This is a story of how Gohan had an adventure and found himself doing and saying unexpected things.  
  
The mother of this half-Saiyan – What is a half-Saiyan? I suppose they need some description nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of Weaklings, as they call us. A half-Saiyan is born when a Saiyan and a human have a child. Duh!  
  
As I was saying, the mother of this half-Saiyan was Chi-Chi, the daughter of Ox King, King of Fire Mountain. Gohan's father… well, what he doesn't know can't hurt.  
  
One day Gohan was sitting on the side of his house (it was a hill, remember) smoking a bong and Roshi came by. Roshi! If you'd heard only a quarter of what I've heard about him, and that's only a small portion of what there is to tell, you would feel as scared for Gohan as he should feel. He was on his way past to buy some beer at the new Off-licence that had opened up nearby.  
  
All the unsuspecting Gohan saw that morning was an old man with a staff. He had a tall blue hat, a long blue cloak, a silver scarf over which a long white beard hung and sandle's. He was drunk.  
  
"Good morning!" said Gohan, even though the sun was setting. But Roshi looked at him from under his hat.  
  
"What do you mean?" he said "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean it will be a good morning wether I want it to or not; or that you felt good this morningl; or…"  
  
"Shut the fuck up!" shouted Gohan before quickly adding "Maybe one, maybe all of them. Anyway, it's a fine day to smoke a bong. If you have some shit, you can come join me! There's no hurry, we have the whole day ahead of us." Then Gohan took a hit and tried to blow a smoke ring, but was too stoned to do it.  
  
"Sorry, but its not the beginning of the day, and the off licence will be closing soon. I'm also looking for someone to join me on an adventure, but no one will stay and talk after they see me. So its difficult to find anyone."  
  
"I should think so - in these parts! I can't stand adventure, makes you late for dinner!" Gohan put his hand over the bong and took another hit. Then he started looking at the spot's that appered in front of his face and all around, so he wouldn't have to look at the smelly old man. He wanted him to go away. The old man just leant on his stick looking at Gohan.  
  
"Fuckay offay! No adventure's here thank you! Try over that way!" Gohan pointed over in the distance and as Roshi looked, Gohan shouted "Yoink!" and ran inside his hill.  
  
A few minutes later, Gohan came back out and went to pick up his bong, noticing the old man was still there.  
  
"You wish to get rid of me?" Asked Roshi.  
  
"Yes! Piss off and I will have a better day! Who are you anyway?"  
  
"I know your name Gohan, and you know mine, but you don't remember it. I am Roshi." At this, Gohan started backing away, realising who he was speaking to.  
  
"Dirty old man Roshi?" asked Gohan curiously.  
  
"Yep, that's me! I mean, no! I'm old and a man, and Roshi" said Roshi crossly.  
  
"Sorry, old loser Roshi, I didn't know you were still perving around"  
  
"I'm not a bloody pervert!" shouted Roshi bitterly. "But, I'm going now, so you can go back to getting high. And I'll give you something too…"   
  
Gohan covered his ass and backed away.  
  
"No! I'm going to send you on this adventure of mine"  
  
"No, no adventures, in fact, to keep you from adventuring me, come over to get high tomorrow! See ya, bye!" Gohan grabbed his bong and was in his house before Roshi could blink.  
  
"Why did I invite him round?" he asked himself as he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, thinking a chicken or 2 and some munchie's would calm him down. Roshi had not moved, being in fits of laughter (since he was drunk) after Gohan ran inside. He lifted his staff and scratched the mark for "Queer!" on Gohan's nice pink door and went off for his beer.  
  
The next day, Gohan had all but forgotten about Roshi, he did not remember things well, so he usually put it on a table, but yesterday he had been too stoned to do it.  
  
Near the start of Eastenders, there was a tremendous ring at his door bell and he remembered. So he grabbed another beer out and a few bags of munchie's and ran to the door.  
  
"Sorry to keep you waiting" he started as he opened the door, but stopped when he saw it wasn't Roshi, but someone else. As soon as the door was opened, the man in a pink and yellow shell suit pushed in like he was expected. He hung up his top and under it was wearing an orange gi.  
  
"Hi, I'm Yamcha! Who are you?"  
  
"Whats it to ya?" asked Gohan wearily.  
  
Yamcha looked confused and after a minute of scilence, Gohan said, "Look, Eastenders is on and I'm missing it. Do what the fuck you want." Yamcha's face lit up at 'Eastenders' and followed Gohan into his living room.  
  
They hadn't been sat long; in fact it had only gotten to the second argument, when there was a louder ring on the bell. Gohan got up and went to the door, getting ready to ask, "Where the hell have you been?" but stopped when he saw it wasn't Roshi, but a taller, greener man (was he a man?) wearing a turban and a cape, with a puple gi. Once again, he came in as soon as the door was open and took off his cape, hanging it up.  
  
"I see they have started to arrive" he said as he saw the shell suit "I'm Picollo"  
  
"Holy shit, what do you mean 'they'?" Gohan asked.  
  
"Get me a glass of water, now." Picollo ordered.  
  
'I've not had enough to smoke to think I can take this guy on…' thought Gohan as he rushed off to get the drink. He came back a minute later to see Picollo and Yamcha laughing like old friends. Gohan sat to watch Eastenders again and it had just reached the part where someone ordered "The usual" at the bar of the Queen Vic, when there was another ring at the doorbell.  
  
"I'm going to punch the next person who isn't Roshi…" muttered Gohan as he went for the door. He opened the door and saw a short bald man with no nose before casulally giving him a black eye, sending him flying. The taller bald guy with three eyes caught him and put him down as he walked through the doorway carrying a big rucksack.  
  
"Krillin, stop being a useless bastard and introduce us." Said the three eyed man.  
  
"Ugh…" moaned Krillin, still recovering from the blow "I'm Krillin and this guy is Tien." he said.  
  
"I'm Gohan, fuck off." replied Gohan.  
  
"Look" said Tien, "other's are here, lets join the throng"  
  
"Who's wearing a thong?" asked Krillin.  
  
"Shut the hell up" replied Tien as he walked past Gohan and grabbed the joint he'd just lit off of him.  
  
"Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ…" thought Gohan as he sat in the living room, lighting another joint and saw Yamcha comeing from the cellar carrying a beer keg. 


End file.
